Raw pieces of me (Sum of my agitation)

I am in a rather irritating mood today. Can’t put my finger exactly on the cause but I certainly can spread around the blame. One is work. It’s a bit difficult to get back into the groove of work. Second, Fuck, I need a drink. Not going to lie to you with that one. Today makes 8 days. Something to be proud of, 1 week and a day, I will pat myself on the back for that one.

Ok, so lets just turn this into a rambling post. I have been called raw and honest to the bone. A tell it like it is type of person. So, I will give you more raw pieces of me. Sometimes I think I am too open on my blog, but I can’t help it, its just how I am, I give it all and let those that fancy themselves Gods, judge.

So drinking. I wouldn’t consider myself an alcoholic, but most alcoholics don’t consider themselves alcoholics. Frankly, I like to drink and have a good time. I have already touched on this in a previous post, so won’t get into too much details. Mainly when I am drinking nothing else exist except the mindset of I am going to have a blast and let that take me where it must. So you can say I live in the moment when I am drinking.

Do you know most of my pictures I have a drink in my hand?

I Even Get behind the bar and act a fool (If I remember correctly that was a good night).

Even my gravator pic I am blitz

For the most part I am happy drinking. Happy drunk.

I am no good when hard things
from my past are on my mind and
I am drinking. I fall into a hole,
depression lives down there. It  fucking sucks. 
I analyze the shit out of everything in
that inebriated state.
Which, as you can probably guess,
yields really stupid results.

Flashback…

Several months ago, the woman I could say with absolute certainty, I loved with everything I had within me, left me. It is what I call my deepest cut. Ever. Deep because I gave it all, opened my heart, pulled the rib cages apart and exposed it bare. It was the first time in my life I truly did that. So the lost was traumatic to say least. It left me empty.

It took sometime to regain my confidence and smile again, laugh again. Friends and meditation helped a lot. I really do not know what space I would be in if it wasn’t for my friends and meditation. The first thing I was told was not to lose myself in a bottle. So I dumped everything I had and decided to heal properly. It took some time. Ups and downs, but I am glad I went about it that way. I am pretty sure I would have been fucked up to no end if I didn’t go that route. I am thankful I had that strength. This little blog of mine also help, help by just keeping my mind off of things and just write. So my blog is also my baby. The blank pages are the ears for my thoughts.

So why did she leave you maybe wondering. Tell you the truth. I have no fucking idea. Well I have some. Difference in lifestyle I suppose. I can be like the Energizer fucking bunny. Go Go Go Go Go…still going. So my drinking accompanied by other issues that I drank to suppress was a major part of why she left. Overall, we were just two different people that didn’t fit. However, I wanted us to fit. So I gave more than all until the seesaw cracked. Too lopsided I supposed.

I have since moved past it and in all honesty have no ill feelings towards her whatsoever. It is just not my style. So I wish her the best wherever she maybe. What’s left is just a healing heart. Its almost there and someone new has entered my life and want to care for my heart. The problem though is that healed hearts heal tight, rigid and callus. Hearts have the longest memory. So although, I want my heart to be with another, honestly, I am scared shitless. At 36 I am afraid to trust someone else with my heart. I am afraid that if my heart does get crushed again, I would have no one to blame but myself (again). I am aware that you cannot live life in fear. It’s not living. I am aware that to “discover new islands you must leave the shore.” Don’t ask me who said that, I read it somewhere. I am aware of all these things but being aware doesn’t mean the fear is not still there. Awareness is good but only time can transform that knowledge into action. Into a step…patience is needed.

So be patient for my love. It will come and when my heart resurrects and the piece that went with the arrow as it was ripped from the depths of my heart has regrown, this is how I will love you.

I will love you so hard that it will be blasphemous and make God cry from jealousy.  There will be no choice but to create a heaven for you and me. I will love you so deep, it will cut through your flesh and seep through the marrows in your bones. I will become part of your anatomy. I will love you so generously that my soul will clear space for you to call a home. I will love you with a sort novelty that if there was no such thing as love we would be profound. We would mean love. I will love you so madly that thoughts of you will invade and drill into the depths of my mind as if you were a dream sent to hypnotize my reality. I will love you with such lust, so that when I am deep within your flesh, the Universe will be confused as to the mass of the solid-two parts or one? I will love with such necessity that only the prints of your kisses will wake me. I will love you like the greatest author that understand the concept of show not tell.

I want to love you with a free heart, fearless of injury. I want to love you with the wildest of spirit, so that everyday I live and die in the moments of us.

Be patient for my love and I will love you as if you are the last molecule of air. And I would not breathe you.

I won’t ask you to wait. It’s unfair and I do not have that right. However, I am hoping you will.

Until…